It’s been a while since I last wrote something.
3 years ago on, February 2nd 2017, I played my last competitive game. I left that game against USA with a concussion in the 2nd period. I was devastated and in a whole world of confusing emotions. However, I knew I was not right and knew I couldn’t play anymore.
I was content. I had just played for my country against two of the worlds best nations of the sport; in a world organized event with some of my best friends.
Not a bad way to transition to life away from playing competitively.
Fast-forward, January 31st 2020, I was admitted to hospital. The past month I have been struggling with this sensation in my toes and feet. It started around New Years and I originally thought it was a problem from being in my skates too much - classic thought. There was also a bakers cyst growing behind my knee so that is of course the apparent cause on the surface. I went to PT in the city to see what they thought and although I could skate it was causing me a lot of issues walking and lying down. PT suggested I get an MRI and I am very fortunate that my Fiancé uncle was able to arrange and fit me in to be seen at his practice. After getting the MRI results back I was informed that I had a slight tear in my meniscus. We drained the cyst (3 tubes worth) on the Saturday and I went onto Providence College to go coach.
Things subsided a little after some pain medicine and I was back on the ice Monday morning in Boston working with Suffolk University - putting on a skills session for the team.
The week I carried on as usual with a lot of pain during the day but got through it. The following week however, I stopped going on the ice as much as I could. I chose to coach practices from the bench and allowed, what I thought was a, foot injury to heal.
This week was the worse. I didn’t sleep. I would lay down for ten minutes at the most and have to walk around. Something wasn’t right. I went to visit the Dr to go see a sports specialist partner - I’m now hopping into the Dr’s office. As my toes are now black and blue - she thinks this is vascular. We head to a vascular surgeon and he does some tests - he drains my knee and still the pulse in my foot is better it isn’t anywhere near where I want it to be. He orders and MRA now for the following day.
Now this was painful. The IV is fine. But lying still in a tube for 20minutes when I could only manage 10 at most before pain brought me to tears. But, it was step one into figuring out what has been going on.
Leaving the MRA unit I returned back to the city ready to tackle my evening on-ice work. I had 5 hours on the ice ahead of me - doing what I love the most. I was excited. Although I was nervous my foot would hurt I was planning the sessions to avoid myself demonstrating too much to get through it. Because, when I am out on the ice nothing else matters. It’s a time when I am on my own and to be freely working with a player who wants to get better.
I received a call that I didn’t really want to or think about. Luckily it came from family and not a stranger in someway. Jimmy (Lily’s Uncle) had made the arrangements for me to see a vascular surgeon at White Plains hospital to treat a blood clot in my artery behind my knee.
Being told you should go in to hospital turned my whole life upside down. I don’t like fuss. I don’t like attention (although I am writing this piece… go figure). I want to do something and move on to the next thing. I don’t do well sitting still too often and I am not the best when I am not around the rinks. I don’t really ‘take time off’.
Checking into hospital I knew that this could change things for a while.
Spending the weekend on blood thinners I underwent two operations this week the remove the clot. They eventually had to open up my knee to remove the clot. What they found was that the clot had likely been in my knee for sometime - however, some of it broke down to my toes to which is why I have had pain recently. Two of my toes are at risk but hoping they come back now normal blood flow has resumed.
The toughest part of all of this.
After completing some blood tests it was found that I have antiphospholipid syndrome. This is an antibody that my body has created that now makes me more susceptible to blood clotting. My Dr and hematologist told me the news after running some blood tests to find out why I have this clot. What this means now is that I will be on a blood thinner called: Cuomadin. This is likely for the rest of my life and carries with it some inherent risks.
One risk being I was advised that I shouldn’t ‘PLAY’ hokey anymore. I could still demonstrate drills, teach, coach and be on the ice but the risk with playing carries too much weight.
On Feb 2nd 2017 I was content with not playing competitively. I knew I could still play.
However, now three years later the thought of not being able to play the game at all carries a different weight to it.
Now I can’t:
Play mens league.
Compete for a loose puck.
Go one on one.
Play pick-up.
Play in the coaches/parents v kids game.
‘But, Sam it could of been a lot worse. At least you can be on the ice.’
True.
However, there is something apart of me that needs to throw on the gear and play. There is that competitive edge that I love to jump in on a drill and play with the team/players I am working with. I still get excited to skate in a game and I’m always out there early. When I am playing hockey it’s the only time when nothing else in the world seems relevant.
Time stands still.
I am fortunate that what I do for a living is being on the ice. I wouldn’t change it for anything.
The amount of support and messages I have received from all the teams, players, families and colleagues has been tremendous and I am so moved by it all. My phone, emails and social media notifications have certainly kept me busy during my hospital stay. Thank you all!
I will be back behind the bench very shortly and back on the ice soon. I will have rehab on the knee and once my thinners are settled I will be cleared to coach again.
I don’t know when I will miss playing.
I know I will.
Now I just have to come to terms.